The Lies Charlie Tu Tells You

BTW: Cheese and noodles? FAIL.

Charlie does his French Laundry

Charlie Tu not only EATS but he also cooks. Yeah. Really. He Cooks! For dinner he gathered ingredients together from an artisanal White person’s market, Whole Foods, and made Baked Garlic Parmesan Chicken consisting of ‘organic’ chicken breasts, bread crumbs, black pepper; garlic; and Parmesan cheese. That’s right. He baked it in one of those oven machines. It was a symphony of flavors, truly an Eats du Charlie meal. He accented this dish with a couple of glasses of Macon – Villages dry white wine,  while his man-friend put together a salad made of mixed greens, walnuts, feta cheese and Steeez dressing. Very Thomas Keller. Simply 11222.

Later, he eventually passed out in front of the latest episode of Top Chef and tagging du Facebook. What a night.

Yeah, I like the new Animal Collective too, but like Charlie Tu Eats is way better

Hey Curry Curry Chicky Chicky Curry

Oh! Didn’t see you there. I was dancing.

Charlie Charlie Tu Tu has got Indian cuisine on his mind ever since he saw that Slumdog Millionaire flick. HOT! He’s loving his deli chicken salad tossed with some hot curry. He’s supplemented it with white people foodstuffs: red onions, green beans, cauliflower, garlic and of course SALT. Later he’ll gnosh on some gummy treats from Japan. Xie Xie Princess deserves some sweets to her sour Monday.

Padma Lakshmi salts her own curry chocolate for Charlie Tu.

L8 night eats

Charlie is exhausted from a night of karaokeing at Sugarland in 11211. To recover, he’s eating scrambled eggs with garlic and mushrooms and is lost in memories of The Best Little Whore House in Texas. Dolly forevs.

Chaatu’s ramen

Charlie’s caught the sci-fi bug ever since he watched The Day the Earth Stood Still for Change. He’s re-re-re-watching the Matrix with Keanu Charles Reeves and eating his fav dish ramen with garlic, mushrooms, and sess-ame oil. To sop up the moistness he’s eating a fresh Indian veggie samosa. Zesta-doori!

Knock Knock Who’s There? Bagel Bagel Who? Meh

Once and while, Charlie likes to mix up his morning meal routines with the unconventional.  Today is not one of those days. He’s eating a bagel. True to form, he’s eating one with garlic bits so his breath smells like a bare Italian baby’s bottom.  Coochi-Coochi-EEW!  Also, it’s 2 o’clock and he’s eating breakfast.

Bagel Brunch is where the romance all began.  Kiss it!

Charlie’s just a goof, looking for his ball

Charlie just finished eating some cold broccoli, red onions, heirloom mushrooms and fresh mozzarella that he got from whole foods.  It was cold and boring, like Hillary Clinton.  Now he’s eating garlic and vegetable ramen from a bowl as big as Tina Yothers‘ hair on the third season of Family Ties.  He added some fresh chopped scallions that he bought at m2m in the East Village.  So fresh!

You: “What do you do, Charlie?” Charlie: “I’m a model.”

Jesus loves bacon

After an overdose of foodstuffs from Eating Day (USA), Charlie is taking it easy. He’s eating his staple love dish, ramen noodles with extra garlic and a fancy taleggio from a cheese shoppe in Williamsburg, along with four slices of the all american meat stick: bacon. Greasy! And salt. He’s watching the fantastic four and silver surfer save the planet–Jessica Alba recommends bacon with wine, so Charlie’s also drinking a muscadet. Bon weekend!

If Sir Francis Bacon, catalyst of the scientific revolution, and Sir Jessica Alba, catalyst of the Apocalypse, had a bearded hermaphrodite baby.

Stuffing Chuckles Tu

The food fiesta in Charlie Tu’s tummy this Thanksgiving has been never ending. He’s still eating!

He began his feast at an italiano americano house beginning with fresh antipasto: anchovies, provolone, olives, salami, and celery with a dash of vinegar and olive oil. and salt. He gobbled up some quiche, very dry, and a pizza rustica, which is italian for meat bread. and salt. He snuck in some peasant cheese too: triple cream brie. To offset the ethnic, he had some fresh lay’s potato chips with creamy onion dip. DEE-LISH! One of his favorites. He then passed out in front of a lesbian who voted for McCain and a Panamanian nanny. 

When he awoke he was at a table surrounded by various american food stuffs. He ate broccoli with loads of garlic and boiled to a brine taste, mushrooms, fresh corn niblets, but no bread carbs. He didn’t have any sweet potatoes but mashed ones, very buttery, and stayed away from turkey cause he’s unconventional–oh, and sausage stuffing, ladies…

Sizzler For Yuppies

Hello hello Internet people!!!  Charlie is feasting on the buffet at Whole Foods in Union Square.  He’s got two meatballs in marinara sauce, fried tofu, garlic spinach salad with red peppers, and a bottle of Shiraz.  The buffet is like the NYC version of The Sizzler he used to go to as a kid, minus the crippling obesity.

It was either salt or Sparks.

A Garl-ric Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Late in the hours Charlie often gets the hungers.  Especially when he drinks fine red wine like Ravenswood Old Vine Zinfandel.  He’s slurping down jumbo nama udon with alimentary paste and of course, loads of chopped garlic from Trader Joe’s.  All of Brooklyn can smell it.  Stinkers.  And an oeuf!  What’s an oeuf?* An oeuf on your house, Charlie Tu.

Inside every garl-ric clove is Mao’s tears.

* It’s French for egg, dummy!

Ramen Emanuel

Hey Socrates, if a man has his first meal of the day in the afternoon is it still considered breakfast?  Hmm, hmm, quite puzzling!  Whatever, you Grecian poof.  Charlie has it her way.  He’s eating one of his favorite dishes: organic garlic pepper ramen with sesame oil and chopped garlic, just for kicks.

Baby Charlie’s baptism.

Garlic Rice And Une Salade Steeez

Before Chuckles McfancyPants tucks himself into bed after a night out on the town, he needs a late-night snack.  He’s eating left-over garlic rice and a salad with a dressing made of garlic, olive oil and mustard stirred together.  As you stir in the apple cider vinegar very rapidly, it EMULSIFIES, not unlike slaughtering a turkey, right Lady Palin?

No meat tonight.  Charlie Tu had pepperoni earlier; he’s trying to be more responsible.  IT’S A DILEMMA.

PBS late night snack.

P.S He poured too much apple cider vinegar in his salad.  I can tell.  Can you?

Garlic Es Para Lovers

Hello Sirs!  Along with getting tagged on Facebook, nothing pleases Charlie Tu more than GARLIC.  He loves it!  He is eating scrambled eggs, 4 of them, with garlic, LOADS OF IT, along with an iced coffee.

Charlie says, “Garlic makes me smile.”  Also: “I never learned to read.”

Down The Hatch For Xbox360

Late nights for Charlie include studying and playing xbox360 (natch!).  To concentrate on blowing up the bad guys, he drank two 12-ounce Coors light (thin!).   And to win, he had a glass of whiskey on the rocks (2 ice cubes).

Later at 1:30AM, he “found” some leftover jasmine rice in the fridge, and sauteed it in garlic, butter, olive oil and salt for a satisfying treat.  He thought about drinking a diet coke but chose not to because he didn’t want to interrupt his beauty sleep.

Digital Toxicity