Venn Diagram of EATS

Charlie’s a cheap date.

Chippies For Chuckie

Hey baby kittens, we’ve been posting so many happy fun comic times that we’ve hardly posted bubkis about Charlie’s eating habits. Quel domage!

Charlie has been eating nothing but nuts and berries the last few days so unless you love muesli and cranberry juice then you haven’t missed much.

Last night, Charlie broke the cycle with potato chips for dinner. Cutie patoots!

Enemy Number One For Tu

Did you know that Charlie Tu adds salt to basically everything cept his jock itch? He does. Charlie’s even been seen licking salt sticks between coffee sips on the L train. How gauche!! So it comes as no surprise that he is right pissed at an alleged medical specialist, a Dr. Frieden, the commissioner of New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, who has recently made war on Charlie’s most cherished herb du jour, SALT!  Have you no compassion, Sir? Your Salt Scare Politics have no place in our city. You are the enemy. These are rough times. Salt feeds the poor and warms babytinos, and is all we have left to protect against the dangers of greasy foods. What next: Love? Puppies!?

 Believe it or not, Babies in Japan like Toyota pictured, get their powers from salt.

Recession Special #105

Hey faggot!  Yeah you, Jane Koh!  If you’re looking to save some cash on the weekends, go to The Bagel Store in Williamsburg at high noon when it’s really really crowded and order a bagel sandwich.  Smile really sweet at the lady who runs the cash register when you’re sandwich comes up and distract her with a question about salt and you don’t have to pay.  Charlie did it and he even though he said it was an accident, he doesn’t seem that guilty.

Be careful:  Charlie is armed and dangerous.

Hey Curry Curry Chicky Chicky Curry

Oh! Didn’t see you there. I was dancing.

Charlie Charlie Tu Tu has got Indian cuisine on his mind ever since he saw that Slumdog Millionaire flick. HOT! He’s loving his deli chicken salad tossed with some hot curry. He’s supplemented it with white people foodstuffs: red onions, green beans, cauliflower, garlic and of course SALT. Later he’ll gnosh on some gummy treats from Japan. Xie Xie Princess deserves some sweets to her sour Monday.

Padma Lakshmi salts her own curry chocolate for Charlie Tu.

D00d likes eggs

Charlie can’t decide what to eat or wear today. He’s chosen Nature’s protein pebble yet again, eggs. This time they’re fried and salted, with some pepper. He still cant get on his clothes though. Help!

Eat a cupcake dipped in salt to celebrate

Hey babymouth!  You’re probably racking your soybeans trying to come up with a proper way to pay homage to the man, the myth, the legend that is Charles “Xie Xie Princess” Tu.  If you haven’t reached the assertiveness-training stage of your therapy and are nervous to ask someone for ideas, take some direction from the options below:

Eat a gallon of garlic aioli sauce

Juggle / squeeze a baby

Take a poop in the bathtub

Take off your pants in a bar

Go to a stranger’s house and make an omelet

Befriend a terrorist!

Santa is a master baker.

Recipe of the day: Charlie Tu

In these troubling times, it’s critical that we all stand together as families, as communities, as a nation of brothers and sisters.  And what better way to unite than around the kitchen stove, as we make a new American classic, a Charlie Tu.

Ingredients:

1 five pound tub of road salt

1 heaping spoonful of wuv

2 skinless chicken breasts, and a bunch of other gross chicken parts

1 “Coquette” wig from the Raquel Welch collection (in black!)

12 shakers of Kikkoman soy sauce

1 dash of baby’s tears

Blend all the ingredients in an oil can with 10 gallons of Sparks, whiskey and a pinch of salt; then bring to a boil.   When it cools, blend with happiness and a lifetime of thinspiration.  Garnish with a tank top!

Now you too can have your own Charlie Tu Eats at home!  Hide your pizza!

Thanskgiving 2: This Time, It’s Personal

Charlie awoke from his second food induced coma and was air lifted to a spacious studio apartment in Brooklyn where he began “Thanksgiving the Sequel: Fat is an Ugly Word”.  There, he scarfed down homemade stuffing, covered with creamy gravy and string beans, which were forgotten in the oven from last Thanksgiving. To top it off, he drank several glasses of fresh vin rouge du Chateau les Vergens while he watched the drama queen of daytime, Tyra interviewing Beyoncé.

Congratuloncé!, Charlie, you made it through another Thanksgiving.

Inside every top model in a fat suit is a Charlie Tu.

Recipe of the Day: Chinois Seafood Soup

Are you friggin’ hungry for something exotic?  Well grab yourself some chopsticks and a spoon: Charlie’s got a soup recipe for you! It’s great to serve during Thanksgiving, sweeps week, or whenever the kids go to bed and you start to cry. AmAZN!

First, you’ll need to heat some oil and garlic in a a big stew pot.  Stir until golden baby brown. Next, add some cabbage or anything leafy green (houseplants work well) and about a gallon and a half of chicken stock/blood. Bring to a simmer and cook until the sickly odor from the blood and houseplants makes you pass out. After your kitty or puppy licks your face to revive you, club him with a soup ladle, then throw him into the boiling pot along with some salt, shrimp, scallops, soy, salt and white rice wine.  Also add salt.  Bring to a boil and throw in some noodles.  Add salt!  Cook until the crying stops and serve.  Bon appetito, little Tito!

Auditions for Charlie’s Next Top Soup are competitive.

Food Myth #1: Salt Is Not A Meal

Do you often get looks from your Caucasiany friends when you pour soy sauce over potato chips with a pinch of salt?  Or find yourself licking salt sticks to pass the time?  Enjoy salty saltines?  CHARLIE, TOO! Academic types and medicine people will caution you from eating too much salt.  It gives you diabetes, it raises your blood pressure, blah blah blah.  Pay no attention.  White doctors are jealous of your fine porcelain skin and strong cheek bones.  Asian genes make us immune to these so-called facts. EAT LOADS OF IT.

Salt as a meal is a wonderfood, a titan on Foodopolis.  It kills bacterial infections like the common cold, fevers and chlamydia.  And most important, it adds a magical dimension to eating, even in ice cream.  Love cheese?  Salt builds cheese.  Like cakes?  Salt is important.  Like puppies?  Puppies are made of 95% salt.  Bon iodine!

Remember how Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt as she turned to see Sodom’s destruction?  I bet she would taste delicious in a tomato bisque.

 

Bagel Bailout

Charlie ‘Citigroup’ Tu was going to get a free lunch for picking up his friend at the airport, but his buddy didn’t need him so oh well. Instead, he’s eating a bagel sandwich a/k/a communist croissant, which is boring. It’s filled with two eggs, cheese and extra salt cause like socialism it is too bland.

He hates mondays like Garfield. Cheer up Comrade!

Garfield and Odie do Samuel Beckett.

Chicken And Chips

Last night at about midnight, Chuckles ate a half-eaten roast chicken from Choice Market in Clinton Hill and some Cape Cod salted potato chips. Scavenging: not just for hobos anymore!

Jesus Chicken

Living on a student budget is tough.  So in addition to eating his friends’ food, Charlie likes to eat cheap at Subway, where footlong subs are $5.  Charlie is eating one right now with extruded chicken parts formed into a patty, green peppers, extra onions, olives, pickles, salt and pepper on an Italian herbs and cheese roll.  Fun facts: he didn’t order cheese or mayo because he’s trying to cut calories; the “chicken” wasn’t totally warmed up; he got a student discount.

Remember when Subway stores had old timey maps of the New York subway on their walls? Jesus chicken does.

Down The Hatch For Xbox360

Late nights for Charlie include studying and playing xbox360 (natch!).  To concentrate on blowing up the bad guys, he drank two 12-ounce Coors light (thin!).   And to win, he had a glass of whiskey on the rocks (2 ice cubes).

Later at 1:30AM, he “found” some leftover jasmine rice in the fridge, and sauteed it in garlic, butter, olive oil and salt for a satisfying treat.  He thought about drinking a diet coke but chose not to because he didn’t want to interrupt his beauty sleep.

Digital Toxicity

Remembrance Of Meals Past

Last Monday night, Charlie made one of his favorites:  cup o’ noodles ramen with pork fat.  And extra salt.  He also had some leftover roast chicken and potatoes.

Charlie is a messy eater.